Awaiting the decision ...

This week, as I am await the decision from Dr. D'Agustino and feverishly prepare for the end of the semester, I am experiencing a sense of disconnectedness, as if I am merely observing the activity on screen. I think it may be a long learned mechanism, a kind of survival strategy, to not become too involved emotionally with the process of completing the semester, or awaiting any decision over which I have absolutely no control. I have been rejected dozens of times, so many that it has become an absolute surprise and delight if I am ever chosen for some activity, like the study tour in China, or the Summer Research Fellowship. As to the end of the semester, it will come, and whether I have completed the required projects, or not, matters less in the final outcome. Of course, not finishing is hardly an option, and it seems that I am always looking ahead three months or more, planning the sequence of events from now until defense, where approximately they must take place, and what must be done between now and then. So the stress, which should be quite high at the moment, has actually become somewhat normalized within the typical daily levels of cortisol. I only actually feel the stress when it becomes, for other, normal people, unbearable.